In his later travels through northern-most China, Five Chickens Shu-Shu was held up in a small shanty during a snow storm. Shuddering as the wind whipped outside and the fire in the hearth dwindled with not much left to burn, Shu-Shu wondered if he would make it through the night. He decided to jot down a few notes on what might be his last scroll when there came a scratching at the front door. Delirious with hunger, he thought maybe the Taoist gods had sent a delivery girl with warm dumplings. Shu-Shu raced to the door only to have it slam open before he could get to it. The round monk squinted through the squall and was greeted not by the warm smell of doughy dumplings, but by the hot breath of a demon dog!"WOOF! (KATSU!)" said the colossus of black and white fur and blue-blue eyes. Her greeting shook Shu-Shu's foundation and made the cabin's timbers creak. Wagging her curled up tail, the great dog casually squeezed past Shu-Shu and snuggled up by the fire. "Oh, do come in, monster," Shu-Shu muttered, too tired to repel the intrusion because his gut was grumbling almost as loud as the beast's: how-do-you-do. Slumping against it, Shu-Shu shut the door against the icy whip and whirling snow. (As the myth goes that this was the beginning of a glorious friendship that took Shu-Shu from an unknown fat monk on the lamb, to one half of a heroic duo from ancient Chinese fable and myth--though mostly forgotten.) For hours, the two just stared at each other as the wind shrilled outside. Inside, neither spoke--Fat Shu-Shu and the strange dog from the north--dead silent. Finally, Five Chickens lost the meditative battle and just had to ask: "You couldn't have brought even one dumpling, monster?" "WOOF! (KATSU!)" the great dog retorted. "You said that already," Shu-Shu began to counter-retort, but then suddenly understood a word in the bark, he heard the word: "KATSU!" "Is that your name, monster?" "Nope. Katsu is a short, sharp..." the great dog started, but then paused and said, "allow me to me demonstrate." He got up, approached Shu-Shu and poked him hard in the crotch. Shu-Shu dropped, rolling on his belly in the firelight, plump face filled with in agony. "A KATSU is a short, sharp, Buddhist kick in the spirit, chunky!" "I think you missed my spirit and hit me in the dumplings!" Shu-Shu squealed. "See, you didn't need me to bring dumplings when you already have your own." "Had...had my own." "Whatever. Now get your quill, fatty. And my name is not monster, it's Shi-Shi, if you please."
After getting his quill, Five Chickens Shu-Shu and Shi-Shi, If You Please, began to concoct some of the most famous and forgotten Zen Kōan (puzzles for the mind to ponder during meditation) ever put to paper. Here is just a few from that frozen night in the mountains to help you meditate on...um...your frozen nights in the mountains of...um meditation. Anyway, on with the Kōans.
If there is a reason for anything...
The Moon doesn't agree with it,
and the Sun doesn't care.
I brought a sword to cut the Spring Wind...
And quickly became lightning's fool.
If 7 dogs all pondered existence,
The third one would understand
before the other 6.
There is no breathing underwater,
Only Enlightenment.
I cried a bowl of cherry blossoms,
None were as beautiful as
A star on the distant horizon.
One cow in a field is a feast--
10 is the beginning of the end!
You can add Mu (Wu) to itself
And always get more Mu!
Dogs break vows of self respect for a cookie,
Having no ego leads to chocolate bliss.
Shu-Shu is hot to the ladies.
(Shi-Shi quickly crossed this one out
and changed it to:)
Shu-Shu is bulbous and needs a breath mint.
(This wasn't quite a kōan as much as a truth so they put it back
because trying to ponder the original version kept one's mind baffled for days!)
When you write your life's story
on Wonder Bread
on Wonder Bread
Your life has been a
Skippy peanut butter pen.
(And their third most famously forgotten Kōan:)
Suppose we were all Bodhisattva on a bridge...
and the world's last unenlightened man
was far down on the rocks below.
Would his enlightenment come from
the bloodied rocks...
Or the one master who turned her back on them all
and walked away?
After scrawling this last Koan, Shi-Shi nosed open an old floorboard revealing five chickens she had caught a few lifetimes ago. It had been her shack for a very, very long time after all. When Shu-Shu looked at her puzzled she merely replied: "One reaches enlightenment by not telling others how to do it, fat boy!" and poked him in the junk again, dropping him to the floor. Of course to anyone listening, she simply said, "WOOF!" and so did Shu-Shu.
And that is how Five Chickens Shu-Shu met Shi-Shi, If You Please.
